Sleep

So many moments
cuddled in
like the morning light
cozy cup in hand

so are these moments
like sand
textured and fine

memorable times

no longer going up river
but enjoying the ride
knowing our sweet Savior
is always alive

with our friends
with our thoughts
and beauty He has brought

in the hugs of a little man
who can
dinosaur for hours
and knows no bounds

or a friend who includes you
and wants you around

tradition worth repeating
and a husband so kind
words escape
but oh what a find!

God, the pattern maker,
behind it all
holds these moments
and me
and I rest
cuddled
and sleep

Together Outside in November

My hands split
moistened with spit
and peeling
from the cracking of each nut
and the pulling of the shell

"the inside is yummy" I say
as my little one tosses the inside away
excited just to play

a moment beyond and he is sitting on
the tarp his Papa drags
and gleefully
his little bear tasseled ears bob
up and down
as he flies across the ground

this is what sweet childhood is made of
giggles
and salamander
and trial and error
and momentary terror
at lizards
and then running
arms flapping
ooh ooh ahh ahh
now a monkey

what a monkey indeed
this little love
our souls did need

this is life
the good
and wonderful
life.

Trust the Good One

Whooo..ooooo
the barred owl cries

Who, Who are you?
a bubble?
A ball?
Will you even grow at all?

My heart is good soil
ready to take you in
ready to show you light
in this world smeared with sin

you will see it all around you my sweet
you will see it in your friends
your family
but we are all one and the same

guilty
but loved

so love others
even when its hard
and learn who to trust
and who not
even when it turns your heart in knots
to withhold
sometimes its better if others don't know

not your closest, no with those you always share
but don't give your heart
to those who don't really care

your story is a gift

and yet I know
as I write
that you will do this
in spite of these letters
and share with them all

and my love
I'm here to catch you when you fall
but the One who does that so much more than me
is the One who created you to be

He knows your path
your struggles, your pain
and weeps alongside you like a torrential rain

so curl in His hand
let Him hold you tight

that is how to rest each night
breathe it out and breathe Him in
He who carries all of our guilt and sin
and protects and keeps us all the same

Jesus is His name

trust Him even more than me
because He, the way, will help you see.

 Amen. 

Leaves

Running
I jump
leaves rustled
heart grounded
as my heart leaps up and down
a part of me is found

as I yearn
for lighter air
I wipe aside a hair
from my glistening brow

and wonder how

how
did I come to be here
Lord, how do you always
miraculously draw me near
and bail me out

my heart could show with joy
and then,"
MOMMY!"

not a real cry
but a want for time
with

when I
I need a break

how can I for Christ's sake
be the best me
when most days
its hard to see
who that may
be

art, I love
using my hands, I love
I love cloudy cool
and any watery pool
though natural more than most
I love to host
   [but only for a time]
I love to help
   [but see now it might be for my own good]

what is this hood
that in writing
falls over my heart

what does it mean to be set
apart

where does my speaking and seeking start

so many hopes
so much to cope

and yet change
like the Santa Ana's
is in the air

and leaves,
leaves are everywhere. 

To My Little Dude

My sweets
My how my thoughts race and go to a place
I wish they didn't
It's hard to not take things so seriously
When God has gifted us with the most beautiful thing in the world
You

And now that my heart suddenly knows what to do
And how to love full and deep
It wants to weep
And cry out
What if?

What if we pass and you go to a place that doesn't last
What if you forget us
What if you forget what love looks like
And how to laugh at life big and small
And not to take on it all

What if you forget the things you did when you were young
Like growling demonically as a funny voice
And we laugh because it is funny
And weird
Or you winking at us all because you thought it might make us laugh
And it did

Oh how I wish I could see your every day
And come at it every way
With love

But I can't
I'm human
And I am here for as many days as God allows
In His good and perfect plan
And still I am a daughter of eve
Destined to fall, to deceive
And yet receive the greatest gift of all- salvation
And from that a nation
A multitude of hope
Of blessings

You are a blessing
Never a curse
And you can do anything my love
Quick to nurse and cuddle
Determined and not afraid
I'm thankful for each day
At your side I have stayed

They are not all easy but they are good
Because God is with me

May you more than anything, sweet Jonathan Hal Claes,
Know that you are loved and never alone by the creator of all that was is and every will be
He will always be with and in you
Guiding you
And in that, my weary heart lays and rests

In Jesus name,
Amen.

You are my God - in the bath thoughts

You guys, here is my heart
again

I feel like I can't win
can't breathe
can't do anything

I try to make space
and it blows up in my face
I just can't do
this
this
this
everyday this

struggle bussing with no near stops

come on mr. cop
keep those emotions in check
and yet
those beautiful little pink pills
that keep me chill
yeah, those babies are out

I could shout
scream
do something extreme

like pout
yep, no doubt

and yet as I sit awkwardly
surrounded by the scalding water
face mudded
heart studded
with tiny
piercing
spears

draw near

I whisper
I hope I hope He hears

the warmth surrounds
so many sounds
gurgles and pulsing and bubbles

how is life so fuddled?
stupidly drunk
with division
when you try do right
and lose sight
and sometimes don't
sometimes won't
why the awkwardness!!!

I want so much to be
to just be ME
wild and free I read
yes, yes, yes, this my heart tests and feels is true
and you know what

I can be me
I cannot control my sweet sons cries
no matter how I try

I cannot control what others think but merely do my best
and know that I am loved by the best

"You are my God" yes, you are

though I don't deserve it

"You are my God"

though I might not be able to do more than soak in this moment

"You are my God"

though I fail

"You are my God"

and as my life is not exploding but rather imploding

"You are my God"

//

Budget Talk

Talk

tears
fears
spilling out

my soul shouts
with offense
and yet received with no defense

my sweet love
listens

we spell it out
sheet by sheet
bill by bill
and with no ill will
find
that we have post bills, post gas, post food
only a little of money to use

$100 each week
for tp, detergent and other things
my heart drops
when will this stop
I just want a cup of coffee

we finish up and pray
and walk away from the sheets and numbers
to talk with a friend
I tell her what I've learned and you know what she said?

"Thats good!"

//

Today that phrase has been floating in my head
here I was thinking we were near to dead
with no excess, no funds for recess
but really

we can pay our bills
we can eat
and we have a little on the side
who knew
that God, our provider, would give us just enough
and yet all of His love
and so in our excess may we live wisely
to pay off our debts
to live simply
and to give as best we can

and remember that we are greatly
greatly blessed.

//

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing."
Psalm 23:1